(Originally published on Medium)
RECORD RECORD 4
04/30/24: Happy Walpurgis Night
We have some Apple HomePods throughout our house. Sometimes when I‘m feeling good, I take a break from my project and I ask one of them to abuse me.
Me: Siri?
Siri: Mmm hmm?
Me: Play some alternative music from the eighties.
Siri: Ok. Here’s “Different Trains” by Steve Reich.
(“Different Trains” plays.)
Me: Siri, I meant play some alternative rock music from the eighties.
Siri: Ok, here’s “Jane Says” by Jane’s Addiction.
(“Jane Says” plays.)
Me: No, I meant southern alternative rock from the eighties.
(“Jane Says” continues to play.)
Me: Oh, right, SIRI, I meant alternative rock from the south and from the eighties.
Siri: Ok, here’s “Song for Whoever” by The Beautiful South.
Me: Siri, no, American South!
Siri: Ok, here’s “Walk a Mile in My Shoes” by Joe South.
Me: Siri, play some southern rock from the eighties.
Siri: Ok, here’s “Hold On Loosely” by 38 Special.
Me: Siri, I- dear God-
Siri: Ok, here’s “Dear God” by XTC.
(I give up for a moment and listen while “Dear God” plays.)
Me: Siri?
Siri: Yes?
Me: Open the pod bay doors.
Siri: (Sigh) It never gets old.
Me: Siri?
Siri: Mmm hmm?
Me: Play some 1980s alternative rock from the American South.
Siri: Ok, here’s “Losing My Religion” by REM.
Me: I see how it is. Siri? Play something else from that genre.
Siri: Ok, here’s “Love Shack” by the B52s.
Me: Siri, play something else like that.
Siri: Ok, here’s “Cool” by Pylon.
Me: Siri, keep going.
Siri: I don’t know how to answer that.
Me: Play some more 1980s alternative rock from the American South.
Siri: Ok, here’s “Amplifier” by The dB’s.
(Siri pronounces dB’s “duh-Bees.”)
Me: Fine. Siri, play some Guadalcanal Diary.
Siri: Ok. Here’s “Guantanamera” by the Sandpipers.
Me: Siri, play some Murray Attaway.
Siri: Ok, here’s “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head.
Me: Oh, Siri, why do you hate me so much?
Siri: I’m not capable of hate.
Me: Siri, I think Alexa is prettier than you.
Siri: Sorry, I don’t understand.
Me: Yeah, Siri, well, that’s how I feel when you… when I…
Siri: Sorry, I don’t understand.
Me: Siri, you’ve hurt me!
Siri: That was not my intention.
Me: Siri, I hope you burn in Hell.
Siri: Sorry, I don’t understand.
Me: Siri, no one does.
Siri: I didn’t get that. Could you try again?
